"The greatest challenge of the day is:

Dear Oala,

It's been a long and bumpy ride with the two of us, huh?  Well, I'm quite pleased to say that despite the many roadblocks caused by my rather long absence from the logical and humane world have officially come to an end.  This summer has been the absolutely best one of my life and with your permission, I would gladly accept the challenge of making every day better than the last until we're so happy we explode!  I'm sorry for being such a bum, baby, I really am.  It's embarassing and an unecesarry burden for you to bear, but no longer.  I hope that what I have done in these short, yet wonderful months of summer have proven my worth and that you will give me, but one more chance to do it right.  Well, it's getting late and I have school tomorrow.  Enough with the formailities! LET THA LOVE COMMENCE!
NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM MWUAHMWUAHMWUAHMWUAHMWUAHMWUAHMWUAH HUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUGHUG CUDDLECUDDLE
CUDDLECUDDLECUDDLE MWUAHNOMNOMMWUAHMWUAHMWUAHNOMNOMNOMHUGHUGHUGHUG LOVE LOVELOVELOVELOVEOVEOVOEV
LOOOOOOOOOOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Love,
Ikaika

And you know why.

So I haven't been posting recently for reasons that are too blah to get into but some major events have happened since the last post that I should probably write down. I'll go in chronological order since that makes the most sense.

President's Day weekend: I went home to visit Ikaika which was his christmas/valentine's/birthday gift from me. It was a good trip and we had fun. At the time, it made me feel better about our relationship because things were getting rocky between us before that.

About a couple weeks after I got back from that trip we took a break because I felt like it was necessary for our relationship to survive. We agreed to talk things over when I came home for spring break.

Spring break: Got to the airport and found out that there was a five hour delay so they could fly in a part for the plane from Atlanta (or maybe it was Alabama...anyway...). So the five hour wait ended and I got on the plane to sit on my ass for another five hours plus another thirty minutes or so. Ikaika picks me up from the airport and things are almost like normal even though we were still technically on a break. It's hard for me to refuse and resist him and the things he does when I'm physically with him. We started off taking things slow but after a couple days in we were pretty much back to normal and by the time spring break ended, he asked me out again and I agreed. Now, I knew things would just go back to the way they were before we went on the break because nothing has changed but I have such a soft spot for him sometimes that I can't say no.  Within that time I also got all of the pink hair chopped off and I'm now sporting a relatively short cut of my natural hair with just a little bit of pink left in the bangs. It was a truly amazing spring break.

Fast forward through the next couple weeks and it goes by in a slow haze of tears, loneliness, classes, school work, anger, and moments of brief happiness. Throughout the two weeks I'm crying myself to sleep almost every night or I'm falling asleep on the phone with Ikaika (still no roommate, by the way). I finally break down and realize that I can't be in this relationship and stay sane. It's unhealthy for both me and him. I need to find myself and re-establish myself as my own person separate from anyone else. I need this time to work out my issues so that I can be part of a healthy relationship again. So I send him an e-mail saying that we need to end our relationship (I know, I know, that was low but I couldn't do it over the phone because he would start crying, I would get soft and give in and remain in that unhealthy relationship). Then some drama came up after I went snooping through his e-mail which sparked a lot of rage in me (it's like my form of cutting; I can't help but snoop to find something that will hurt me). When he finally got the e-mail we ended up talking for a bit about what we were going to do and how we were going to handle this situation. Our plan is to refrain from speaking to each other until summer at the earliest and if we are to ever get back together we have to be living in the same state.

Honestly, this is one of the hardest things for me to be doing. As much as I want to be with him, I just can't. I know this is what's best for me but I still miss him so much. Going from talking to him almost all day, every day to nothing at all is extremely difficult. I know that he's not the same person he used to be and that he's changed into a better person but I feel like it's not enough. The pain is still there and the distance only exacerbates it. Nothing can fix the past and I'm not able to forgive or forget any of the things that happened. So here I am, trying to cope and figure out what the hell to do with myself now. Who knows what's in store for me in the future but the only way to know is to wait and see. To whoever's out there, please have mercy on me for I can't handle much more.

And I've been contemplating the idea of possibly buying cigarettes. As much as I've always despised them considering what they did to my Tutu, I'm still contemplating the mixed feelings I have for smoking. I most likely won't but who knows. Again, please have mercy on me for I can't handle much more.

I hate seeing all this Valentine's day crap.  It makes me upset.  Well, I'm just jealous so call the waaaahmbulance for me and call it a day.

I was trying to find an old entry in naturalskin to see what the name of the lotion was that someone said was good for their eczema. I'm not sure if it was in that particular entry or another old entry I was looking at but someone commented about natural soaps that she made at home and how she was having a giveaway to celebrate the debut of those soaps (Mellow Yellow Soap). All you had to do was go to her blog and comment on that particular entry with the type of soap that you would like to try and then she would pick a few winners who will receive their soap of choice. And guess what? She picked me as one of the winners! :D I'm so excited, I can't wait to try her soap. I really hope it works on my skin, I'm so tired of not having a soap that I'm content with. The olive oil soap makes me feel scummy like when I use Dial (not completely the same feel as Dial but I still feel scummy and dry rather than smooth and clean) and I don't trust regular soap anymore due to all of the chemicals in it which can't be helping my skin very much...but at least the Cetaphil doesn't make me feel gross after I get out of the shower.

I'm not really sure which soap I'm going to get because I mentioned like three but I think I ended the comment saying that whichever soap would work best on eczema was the one I wanted. Well, I guess we'll see what I end up with!

Guess what? I GO HOME ON SATURDAY, SIX MORE DAYS!!! I don't think I posted this but I think pretty much everyone knows about these plans already. I head out to the airport on the 7am shuttle (so earlyyyyyyy), sit on the plane for a lovely five and a half to six hours, then Ikaika's going to pick me up, take me to my house so I can say hi to whoever's there and drop off the majority of my junk, then we'll head back to his place and hang out and get ready to go out to dinner. After that we might go to a movie or something, I'm never really sure about what's happening after dinner but I guess it just depends on what we feel like doing after. But in any case, we will be heading back to his place. I'm so excited. :) If anyone needs me during winter break, there's a good chance I'll be at Ikaika's. Haha but I still need to see everyone when I get home, no exceptions unless I don't want to see you. xD

But until then, I have to deal with all of the fun finals stuff. Woohoo~*~ so much fun~*~ Ugh, it's killing me. I'm so tired right now, I want to go back to sleep but I just can't for some reason. Too much on my mind. Maybe I'll grab some food or something and bring it back here. A couple entries ago I posted a check list of the things that need to be done before I leave. Today, I'm going to spend most of my time studying for art history and I'll either work on my painting sometime in between when I need a break from studying or after I'm done studying. And I'm not going to paint after 9 tonight unless I'm already there and if so, I'm not staying any later than 9:30/10. I need to get to bed early since my final is at 8am tomorrow...the earliest I've had to wake up for something all quarter.

I'm getting hungry now, thank goodness. I'm going to get some breakfast and bring it back here then start studying for art history.

I need a list, as usual, so I can feel more organized (even though I have already written a list and I have my planner organized)

Thursday, 11/20:
-art history homework
-landscape painting

Friday, 11/21:
-japanese homework
-glass and fabric study
-landscape painting

Saturday and Sunday, 11/22-11/23:
-go to SAM (Sun, meet Sandy in studio at 10)
  -type up notes on Edward Hopper gallery
  -organize notes on Renaissance vs. Modern art for paper
-finish glass and fabric study
-finish landscape painting
-pack for Tuesday

Monday, 11/24: Landscape painting and Glass and Fabric Study DUE
-whatever assignment Father Venker gives us
-japanese homework

Tuesday, 11/25: Leave for Portland (Amtrak 5:30-9:00)
-art history homework (bring for train ride?)
-japanese homework (finish before leaving)
-leave around 3:30 for Amtrak

Wednesday-Sunday, 11/26-11/30: Thanksgiving Break, Leave Sunday (Amtrak 12:15-3:55)
-leave for Amtrak at appropriate time

Monday, 12/1:
-painting homework (final?)
-japanese homework

Tuesday, 12/2:
-art history homework
-art history paper due next class
-japanese homework
-study for japanese oral exam

Wednesday, 12/3: Japanese Oral Exam
-painting homework (final?)
-finish art history paper
-japanese homework

Thursday, 12/4: Comparison Paper DUE
-STUDY FOR ART HISTORY FINAL

Friday, 12/5:
-STUDY FOR JAPANESE FINAL
-complete workbook to turn in during final

Saturday-Sunday, 12/6-12/7:
-study for finals
-work on painting final

Monday, 12/8: ART HISTORY FINAL 8:00-9:50
-work on painting final

Tuesday, 12/9:
-finish painting final

Wednesday, 12/10: PAINTING FINAL 12:00-1:15
-Chop Suey talk? (6:30pm) (cancelled)
-study for Japanese final

Thursday, 12/11: JAPANESE FINAL 10:00-11:50

Friday, 12/12:
-pack everything to go home
-do safety check stuff before leaving for airport (check list)

Saturday, 12/13: GO HOME!! (Airport, flt 0021, depart 9:30)
-be in front of university services building at 6:40/6:45 for 7am shuttle

So last night I had a dream that my mom died. :( It wasn't like I saw her die or anything but it was like she died just before the dream happened and the beginning of the dream (or what I can remember) started with me trying to deal with all my emotions of losing my mom. I don't think I was crying though, but I felt this huge sense of loss that I didn't get to experience everything that I wanted with her such as learning her recipes and other domestic types of things. The sense of loss also came from the fact that I felt like I had been cheated, like I didn't get my fair share of time with her. I know she's not going to live forever but I always assumed she would live until I'm at least forty or so. I remember having a conversation with Kelly at Starbucks two summers ago about a cousin of hers losing her mother or the mother was severely ill and that made me think of how I would feel if I lost my mother and I broke down crying. Even though our relationship isn't all that great, I love my mom and I don't want to lose her.

Painting... good fun. I'm not sure if I mentioned the landscape assignment but yeah, I don't like it. First the assignment starts out bad because he tells us to go around and sketch landscapes to bring to the next class. People come back with their sketches (not me because I was sick) and he's all confused as to why they had architecture in their sketches. HELLO, WE'RE IN THE HEART OF DOWNTOWN SEATTLE. What do you expect, Father Venker? Plus, there's the whole real life vs. distortion/manipulation debacle that I won't get into.
I feel like I'm at a disadvantage just because this is only my second experience with an "autumnal landscape". We're supposed to be painting trees that have the pretty autumnal leaves on them yet there are hardly any of those trees around campus for me to reference since Mother Nature and Father Venker were not in sync with their schedules and the leaves fell a bit earlier than the proposed date for the landscape assignment. Although I could bring in other references for me to work from such as pictures from magazines, internet, postcards, etc. so I'm not blameless at all in this. I just feel like I'm sort of at a disadvantage since all my life I've seen more tropical landscapes and the last landscape painting I did involved a beach and the surrounding plants which are not common here in Seattle. The autumnal landscape is not something that I can work from memory, all I have is real life, pictures, and the assumed idea of an autumnal landscape.
And thank you, Father Venker, for being such a jerk to me yesterday. And this isn't just from me being an extremely sensitive person, several others have commented on the fact that you were being a jerk to me and how mean you were. You just kept yelling at me (well, not really yelling at me but you were definitely rude to me and your tone was out of line with unnecessary anger) about everything that was "wrong". You made me feel incompetent and worthless as a painter. You're always picking on someone, as if you're using them to release your frustration upon which is completely unfair to us.

Enough about him though. Let's move on to life. Life is fine. Things are going to pick up soon and start getting busy with end of the quarter fun but it's a sign that I'll be going home soon. I can't wait! I just hate this period right before all the stuff is about to happen because it's like you're just waiting and anticipating for things to start. I just want to get it all over with and go home. But I am excited about going down to Oregon to be with Uncle Marty and the family for Thanksgiving. I love going there, it's so much fun! The only thing I'm kinda worried about is if we're going to have any painting homework...a lot of teachers are lenient with homework around Thanksgiving time but I'm not sure about Father Venker. I guess we'll find out next week when we have class.

25 more days til I go home!!

"i also wanted to share with you that i was sitting at my dads backdoor... the one where we sat on the night of the rain.. and i saw the same beautiful vewi that we shared so long ago
"all i could think of was how badly i wanted to hold your hand... but i didnt want to scare you off.. i wanted to play in the rain with you
"so many memories of then came rushing back.. i love you so much. now im going to go sit there. watch the view. remember what it was like when you were home and with me. and im going to play guitar and sing until my throat hurts."



"i just want things to go back to the way they used to be"

 

"i do too baby. i truly do... im willing to do whatever it takes baby
"i love you so much. i cant stand the thought of losing you. my heart is constantly heavy with guilt for what ive done to you....
"im sorry and i swear ill do what needs to be done to make you happy. to make things the way they were before."

That this is just a painting and it's just a grade. If I don't get a good grade on it it's not going to be the end of the world. As long as I pass the class then everything's okay. Why do I have such a hard time keeping that state of mind? Just the thought of not getting a good grade paralyzes me. It's just a grade, that's it. I don't like getting a bad grade no matter what but it really gets me when I know I could've put more time into it and could have potentially gotten a better grade. If I try my hardest and I still get a bad grade then I know there was nothing else I could really do about it and it's easier for me to accept the bad grade. But with painting...I just can't accept it. I keep beating myself up that I could've pushed myself harder or spent more time on it. It scares me how he grades so harshly for a Painting I class...but I guess he has a good reason for it and it's not like I can really change anything about it.

We'll see how it comes out...

Go to urbandictionary. com and type in your answer to each question in the search box, then write the FIRST definition it gives you...

1) Your name?

He made dinner for me one night. Well, it was chili with hotdogs over rice but it was still good and he made it for us. We didn't order pizza, we didn't go through a drive-thru, he didn't ask me to make macaroni and cheese. He made dinner for us.

I still can't help but smile when I'm on the phone with him and he says something cute. It's weird, I don't have a lot of feeling when I'm on the phone with him but every once in a while that uncontrollable smile returns for a little while. And even though I don't necessarily feel any better from those smiles, they make me feel as if there still is hope. That I'm not completely unattached from him. This is a good thing.

to go out somewhere nice, just the two of us, like an actual date
to have one dance (KELLY, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON I'VE EVER SLOW-DANCED WITH xD)
to have him take me to the beach for once
to receive a thoughtful gift
to celebrate special occasions
to actually do the things that we planned to do 
to not be lectured like I'm a child that needs to be disciplined
to be romanced so I can feel that spark again
to trust him again

I just want more

Apparenly I'm "so pretty" and have a "strong personality."

I need to reconsider a lot of things in my life. You know what I'm talking about.

We're still together. I know that I was just angry and being irrational because of it. I had to keep reminding myself that I was thinking of the old him and not the one that is now trying so hard to make everything right with us.

The pain is slowly going away but the thoughts are still sticking pretty close.

At least I'm eating again. That's important.